Tuesday, April 08, 2008
●● End of The Road ●●
Yesterday, I came to an empty bed and I knew where my patient had gone to. I used to hold his hands and comforted him while he was breathing hard with the non-rebreathing mask. Even though I had to wear the gloves (MRSA), his hands felt so warm and sturdy. Often, I visited him at the High Dependency Unit and nagged at him to do his breathing exercises. He would smile and do a deep breath for me. At his most painful moment whilst they were inserting and re-inserting his Ryle's tube, I held his hands tight and stood by him when he looked me in the eye and said, "Please save me, you must save me". On days when his vital signs were excellent, I cheered him up with the good news and pointed at the display panel. He smiled, and stuck out his thumb to signal a good sign. Now, he has left after a tough battle. In my heart, he will always remain as a kind and fuss-free patient, someone who is a true warrior.
Today, I was walking along the hospital corridors when I was informed that another patient of mine had passed on. I was taken aback. I was planning to visit him at home and surprise him with his fave bak kut teh to cheer him up. But yet, I never got to do so. He was like a grandpa, tall and strong. He told me tales of how he worked hard, and shared with me his deepest fears and worries about death. At his most difficult moments, he looked me in the eyes and confided earnestly that he was suffering and wanted to die. This was how much he trusted me. I sat by him and listened to all of his feelings. I accepted all the negative emotions and gave him my all by being by him. I read newspapers to him when he was weak and breathless. I told him about the world and updated him about the interesting things that had happened. He had passed away in peace, but he will always have a special part in my heart. A strong man with the toughest determination, a sure fighter... till the very end.
Monday, August 06, 2007
●● Wake at Singapore Caskets ●●
The mood's just too heavy, beyond any possible description. Labels: Sadness
In my heart, i can only hope for the best for him, for PH, PF. May their Buddha bless them with all His Love and Grace.
He's so humble, so amazingly kind and polite despite his influential background. He's indeed remarkable. If he is going to be a politician some day, I'm already won over.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
●● Us ♥♥♥ ●●
The rain drops pattered as i sauntered around bugis village. It was shopping day for me after a mind-straining morning :)
In the morning, i had a counselling appointment with a family in distress. There is an impending death. It was overwhelming sadness as we re-visit the themes of death, loss, grief and bereavement. Phrases like 'it's so unbelievable', 'but i still love her alot', 'what is going to happen after she leaves us', 'everything does not matter anymore, because we're going to bring her home' all struck deep continuous chords in my heart. He looked so haggard, so unshaven, so immensely sad. They looked so red in their eyes. It was such a heart-wrenching sight.
Leaving them to have some time to themselves, I headed to the seminar room for our arabic support group. Videocam-ing the men prancing about across the room put my mind away from the heavy hearted issues. Rather gayish actually. Haha :D Ismael's such an enthusiastic dancer too! The arabic breakfast was delectable, especially the chicken chipolata sausages! lol :))
Anyway, back to our bugis trip, shopping was fruitful!! 2 pairs of cherries and polka dots mary-janes and a pair of heels for work, 2 tops and 1 pretty pouch bag :) happy day!!
And!! We've watched The Simpsons' Movie :) Super lame but so cute! Definitely worth the dollars. Cheered us all up! Saturday ended off really lovely. I love him! ♥♥♥
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
●● 100th Day ●●
I miss him. Labels: Sadness
I wish he's at peace, and smiling upon us in Heavens.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
●● Trapped yet Freed ●●
Yesterday, dr lee drove his red Peugeot and we went to Jurong West to do a home-visit. With his yellow tool box, we were like air-con repair technicians. Stepping into mr yeo's house, i felt myself entered a very cosy christian environment. There were many relatives around, all of whom cared very much for PH.
PH had declined tremendously and looked extremely cachexic. He was in such a drowsy state. When the orange silk was lifted, i was stunned for a moment. Amidst the bony ribs, the huge growths on his chest were ominous. Paradoxically, he wasn't feeling much pain despite his poor outlook. Also, his tongue was whitish, all filled with thrush fungal infection.
It wasn't good.
His wife became hysterical after we told them to prepare for the worst. She was shouting and crying. And all of us were so clear why she couldn't bear to let go. She cried and cried and begged us to save PH. On some fleeting moments, she really wanted to die there and then. She was in such agony that I could literally feel my heart wrenching together.
All i could do was to hug her so tightly and told her never to give up because PH hasn't gave up hope yet. We offered them active treatment in the hospital or letting PH die peacefully at home.
Afterwhich, dr lee and i went for dinner at Adam Rd's market. He gave me a treat! Yummy prawn noodles and sugar cane juice :) I went home so exhausted both physically and psychologically.
But never in the world did i expect an sms from dr lee the next day morning, informing me that mr yeo had been called back to be with Lord at 5am. My first thought was: How is mrs yeo going to cope? I wouldn't dare to imagine how devastated she would be.
May God bless and help her find peace within.
And as for myself, i pray hard that i would continue to find great strength and love in the many upcoming instances of cancer and deaths.
Monday, July 09, 2007
●● Amazing Grace ●●
Dr Ang, Ace, Sister Lek and I were there for Vincent for the last time ever. Labels: Sadness
The song 'Amazing Grace' resounded throughout Vincent's last memorial service before his cremation tomorrow. He was so well-loved amongst his family, friends and colleagues.
Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see
'Twas grace that taught
My heart to fear
And grace my fear relieved
How precious did
That grace appear
The hour I first believed
Through many dangers
Toils and snares
We have already come
'Twas grace that brought us
Safe thus far
And grace will lead us home
When we've been there
Ten thousand years
Bright, shining as the sun
We know no less grace
To sing God's praise
Than when we first begun
Life will only get me stronger and stronger. I want to live my life to the fullest, with no regrets.
Friday, July 06, 2007
●● God Bless and Love Him ●●
Jenny called. Vincent had passed on this morning. He was such a carefree person, a little mischievous, and undeniably intelligent. Labels: Sadness
I can't help but wonder how's Jo. She's such a courageous petite lady. Her nails are always so beautifully done. And yet, she goes all out to protect and take care of her husband till the end of his road. She's an amazing woman.
'Don't Miss Me'
When somebody dies, a cloud turns into an angel, and flies up to tell God to put another flower on a pillow. A bird gives the message back to the world, and sings a silent prayer that makes the rain cry.
People disappear, but they never really go away. The spirits up there put the sun to bed, wake up grass, and spin the earth in dizzy circles. Sometimes you can see them dancing in a cloud during the day-time, when they're supposed to be sleeping.
They paint the rainbows and also the sunsets and make waves splash and tug at the tide. They toss shooting stars and listen to wishes.
And when they sing wind-songs, they whisper to us, don't miss me too much. The view is nice and I'm doing just fine.
Monday, October 30, 2006
●● 九月初十 ●●
He's in my heart :) Labels: Sadness